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Letter to My Friends in America

June 9, 2014

My Fellow Americans,

Shalom.

I see that you have now had the sad privilege of watching your government release murderers in exchange for captive soldiers. Well, here in Israel that’s been standard fare for a while now. You see, my people have a proclivity toward compassion, often misplaced, and that is why we are always in the avant-garde of those who would deplore violence and lethal force even when it is used justifiably against those who would seek to perpetrate another Holocaust. We even have our own home-grown groups dedicated to showing ourselves and the world how much we disdain having to maintain a standing army to keep our enemies in check. I do not believe that your soldiers will ever arrive at the point where, because they realize the dangerous terrorists they are sent to neutralize or arrest have families, they can not go through with their missions. That is a distinctly Jewish form of meshugas. And of course no one would ever imagine a single Arab terrorist put off by the fact that he would so much as hurt the feelings of Jewish children, nor is there any one who has ever offered that because of all the sufferings the Jewish people have endured, they have become hardened, angered, militant and vengeful.

Since  you have such an enlightened leader, I just thought that you should be prepared for more new and surprising policies that are only the logical consequences of such a humanistic, compassionate approach to foreign policy, policies that we have already become used to here in the Holy Land.

1. Legitimization of the Enemy: Instead of believing in the justice of your cause and the righteousness of your country, beliefs that are necessary to maintain the morale of the people and their army,  your leaders will declare that your sworn enemies are actually your innocent victims, and that their gripes against you are legitimate. You will be made to at least implicitly acknowledge this, and possibly to apologize.

2. Negotiating with Those Who Seek Your Destruction: As your newly minted victims have gripes (for example, that you stole territory from them even though said territory is your historic homeland and was lost by those enemies during a war that they started) you will be made to enter into negotiations in order to be able to earn the right to give in to their demands in exchange for nothing on their part. “Isn’t that negotiating peace?” you ask? Not exactly. In traditional terms, you will be negotiating a surrender. When one side demands something in exchange for not threatening further war, and the other side gives in, that is a surrender. However, it may come to the point where even this surrender will be meaningless, because no matter what you do give them, they will continue with the same violence anyway.

3. Territorial Concessions: Even though the ABC’s of warfare and securing the peace include maintaining secure and defendable borders and creating buffer zones out of a hostile neighbor’s territory, as has been understood by every normal country including your own, your leadership will soon have you join us in the rush to cede territory adjacent to your major population centers to the aforementioned enemies. And, as an added bonus, those enemies will not only not be satisfied with the territory you gift them, they will then use it to launch attacks on your civilians. “But,” you’ll ask, “weren’t they given that territory on condition they would not attack anymore?” The answer to that is because they want to kill you, they will not care what or how much you give to them. Oh, and you will also help them establish a provisional enemy government within your territory, including giving them an endless supply of money, electricity, water, food, medical supplies, and the cherry on top, weapons that they will use to kill you!

4. Creation of an Enemy Capital in Washington, D.C.: I’ll admit that we have not completed this part of the process in our own capital, but it is still well under way. Your enemies will declare your capital to actually be theirs, and everyone will believe it, and then you will have to start helping them create enemy enclaves within Washington itself. Half the city will be basically inaccessible to Americans, who will be forfeiting their lives by daring to pass through that part of the city, while the enemies, who inhabit the other half, will be able to freely move about the American side. The most recognizably American institutions and landmarks will be made off-limits to you, and a foreign government’s proxies will have control of those places. You will then be limited to how, where, and how much infrastructure and civilian housing you will be able to build in and around your historic capital.

5. International Delegitimization: Your elected leaders will no longer seek to do what the people want of them, but will instead seek to satisfy the desires of some vague “international community” that always wants you to do what you don’t want to do but what your enemies do. It’s not quite clear why “their” opinions should matter so much, but that’s how it is going to be.

6. Population Transfers: While it would only be fair to use the tried and tested method of maintaining the peace by expelling hostile enemy populations from areas under your control, that will be declared a violation of your enemies’ human rights, immoral, and illegal. However, your government will willingly deport thousands of its own citizens from their homes and property, place them in refugee camps, and not compensate them if it involves ceding the areas they populated to your enemies.

7. Police State: Last but certainly not least, the enlightened leaders who thrust all of this upon you will create a police state to advance their ideology and eliminate opposing ideas. Be prepared for arrests without warrants, prolonged denied access to legal counsel, military orders preventing private citizens from entering their own private property, and a culture glorifying their deluded, surrender-monkey mentality. If you are really lucky, the government will send its armed forces and police corps against its own citizens to enforce all of the above, but they will also receive orders to be gentle with your enemies. Soldiers and policemen who use justified force against the enemy will be prosecuted; those who use excessive force against your own people will be encouraged and congratulated.

Enjoy!

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